Danica Danali

Finally

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 16:03:41 GMT

Well after 6 months of relentless torture both physically and mentally, I've finally stopped pumping. Yesterday morning was my last session. I'm pretty engorged right now and my breasts are tingling so badly, but I can't give in. If I pump right now to ease the discomfort, they'll just make more milk and I'll have prolonged my misery. I just have to push through this part.. the next 2 weeks or so.. ugh. I just can't do it anymore. Watching the clock and interrupting my daily life, carrying that thing with me everywhere I went and having to excuse myself for upwards of 30 minutes at a time. It wore on me pretty badly and I'm happy to be free of it. I feel guilty about not giving my daughter breastmilk any more, but I got a good 6 months in there and I still have some frozen that I'm now using. If she gets sick I'm gonna freak out for sure, though. The guilt will consume me, I have no doubt but, my mental health is more important right now. If I'm always stressed out about having to pump, how can I be a good mom? It really takes a load off. Free at last!
Another good thing about not pumping anymore.. I don't have to feel bad about restricting! I've been talking about losing this pregnancy weight for at least 5 months. I'm the type that can't just diet normally. I'm all or nothing. So now I can restrict as much as I want and not worry about what I might be keeping from my daughter. I ate 1000 cals yesterday which is alot when you're talking about restricting, but hey it was my first day of real restricting. I lost 2 pounds! I've been seriously trying to lose weight since Dec 1and I've so far only lost 6.5 lbs. If I had been able to restrict like I want to the whole time I'm sure I'd be at about 15 lbs lost. But you know, if I keep thinking about that I"ll just bum myself out more. I had to eat for my daughter. So I'm not sad about it. Now that I'm not pumping I have no excuse. I can't tell you how amazing the hunger felt yesterday, how amazing it was to ignore it and the pure high I achieved from going all day without fully quenching it. That high drives me. I had little things here and there. When I got a headache from not eating, 5 hours into the morning, I had a granola bar..95 cals.. then about 5 hours later I had a bowl of cheerios with skim milk..300 calories.. and then I had the other 600 between 4-7 pm which has always been normal for me. I need to get back to eating my apples and strawberries and baby carrots. Instead of 600 cals I could have only had 3-400 cals and dropped my total to 800 for the day, but ya know, I'm a fat ass so I had peanutbutter and a sugar filled kiddy type granola bar which is packed with a whopping 190 cals itself. Then I ate fettuccine for dinner.. eh well. I'll do at least as good today. 1000 cals isn't a bad start! I think I may make my 15 lb goal by Jan1. Then I'll be down to a massive 225... better than 240 but still gargantuan!

It's been awhile

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 16:02:24 GMT

I haven't posted here in a long time. It's been a tough few years. Lets see, where to begin... In April of 08 I got laid off. I believe it was because my boss found out I'd been trying to have another baby. She's so not pro-family. I had surgery to try and figure out why I hadn't gotten pregnant and when I told her she was like.. "oh". That was in March. Not even a month later, I'm let go for no reason. She says "it's just not working out". I asked for a more detailed reason, but she couldn't give me anything else. Another hit to my already low self worth. So I was home all the time looking for new jobs and getting nothing, so guess what I did? Ate and ate. I ballooned to 210 pounds. Thats pretty damn bad.
Well I thought I was pretty much at the end of my rope, then, in October of last year I got pregnant! We had been trying since Jan 06 to have another baby and through a miscarriage and many stressful and horribly unsuccessful months we had decided to go for adoption. Everything was on it's way, we were only waiting for the home study to be done and then we'd be in the directory for a birth mom to choose us! Well I decided to test one day. I had been sick alot and I don't get ill like that on a normal basis so I went and bought a pregnancy test. It was positive! I was in complete shock. I was not expecting that to happen. We had not come to any medical reason as to why I had not been able to get pregnant, but I just stopped hoping for it after 2 years of nothing. I was in such denial and at the same time anxious that I would lose the baby like I had once before. I think I took about 15 more tests in the next week. I was a little obsessed..lol. Well I had our little girl in June 09 and she is just the most precious thing you could ever see. I love her more than I thought I could love anything. Of course I still love my other child as well, but I am just in such awe of this new little girl.
Well now I'm up to 240 pounds. 240 POUNDS! That is so ridiculous. I gained 40 pounds with my pregnancy. ALL of it in the last 2 trimesters. I was so sick the whole first trimester that I didn't gain an oz. I was pretty happy about that. Well I hate myself for getting this big but I still can't stop eating. I start out so good every day and then by 2pm I've scarfed down so much shit it'd make a grown man cry in pain. It's just so one way or another with me. It's all or nothing. I can't live a happy medium. I need to lose weight. BADLY. So I've found my livejournal again. Hopefully it'll help this time.

october 17

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 23:09:07 GMT

I'm stuck. Just sitting at 198 and not moving. I guess it's better than going up, but I'm SO frustrated. I'm a cow, I'd like to be less cowish, but the scale won't budge. I am lowering my calories again starting tomorrow. I will not be pushed around by a machine, by numbers. Numbers will not run my life. I am lowering my calories and those numbers are going to change. Thos numbers will go down.

September 29

Sat, 29 Sep 2007 18:37:22 GMT

Down a pound and a half!!! I LOVE high protein! I didn't think I was gonna be able to stick to it cuz it makes me feel crappy, but I did it (except for 1 tiny misstep with 2 fried cheese sticks)! And it totally paid off. I can't help thinking, though, if I hadnt had the cheese, would I be even thinner? I don't know, it shouldn't matter, but it does. Anyway, I am happy with my 1.5 lb loss.

I'm at 198 today. Still way too fat. I've never been this high before. My highest ever is 211 and that was just this August. My highest ever before this was 189 and then I lost 30 pounds... and then gained WAY more than 30 in a year. 198 would have totally freaked me out if I had been weighing myself regularly this past year. But I didn't. When I stepped on the scale I was 208, I freaked and ate everything in site. Then I was 211 2 weeks later. I started unsuccessfully trying to restrict again. I couldn't do it until 2 weeks ago. Now I've lost 13 pounds.That is awesome weightloss. I just wish the numbers on the scale were lower.

I feel like I have SUCH a long way to go. I don't know when I'm going to get there and that terrifies me. But I'm going to keep trying. As long as the numbers keep going down, I'm gonna be ok.

September 27, 2007

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 01:20:17 GMT

I really hate my job. The job itself isn't horrible. I sit in a car all day and type house violations on a laptop. Not horrible, but not fantastic either. EVERYDAY I am in the car with someone different. EVERYDAY that person wants fast food or something just as disgusting. EVERYDAY I have to come up with some excuse as to why I don't want lunch. People are beginning to get suspicious. I have told all of them I eat a huge breakfast and I'm just not hungry for lunch. They guilt trip me.."I don't wanna eat all alone..eat something with me".. or they ask a bajillion questions.."what did you have for breakfast? How does that keep you full all day long? Do you eat dinner? Are you taking diet pills?"... OMG leave me alone! I don't want to eat. Shit , just let me be!

Today I had to eat. We went into a restaurant and sat in a booth with menus and all. How am I supposed to NOT order? So I ordered a grilled chicken salad with the dressing on the side. I took out the chicken, the cucumbers, the onions, the crutons and basically ate 4 bites of lettuce and 3 cherry tomatoes and no dressing. I complained that the chicken was too greasy, the dressing was too sweet, the cucumbers were too onion-y and I don't eat crutons. Then I complained that the hot chicken slices made the lettuce limp and I couldn't eat limp lettuce. By the time I was done complaining, the other girl was like" omg, I can't take you anywhere! We're never going out to eat again!" ...THANK YOU!!!! ..I wanted to shout it from the roof, but I didn't even whisper it. I just said "whatever" and paid my bill. Ugh, it was so depressing.

I was so mad at her. Any restaurant is a potential binge being waived in front of my face. All the smells, my favorite foods, the chips they put on the table.. UUUGGHHH! I feel so angry. How could she do that to me? How could she FORCE me into somewhere that could potentially ruin my whole day? How dare she remind me of how fat and gross I am? The nerve of her to actually think she can't take me out to eat! -I don't want her to, but how dare she emply I'm difficult! -I'm so mad at her!! It's kindof unfair to her, she has no idea I have any kind of ED, she didn't know, she didn't realize the anxiety that runs through my veins when it comes to food, the phobia I have of people watching me eat, the pure fear I felt the entire time... but I'm still so mad at her!

September 22, 2007

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 23:57:57 GMT

So I lost a pound and a half!! WOO HOO me!! If I can keep it up, I'll be amazed. lol. But also totally happy!!

September 21

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 22:39:37 GMT

Well I am so proud of myself!! I have had so little to eat today and I feel so powerful.
coffee with creamer - 70
3 egg whites - 45
2 reduced cal toast- 80 cal (40 each)
2 tsp jelly- 50
1 piece of gum- 5
coke zero and water!!
total so far of 250!! WOW that's awesome for me.
I might eat dinner, but it'll be no more than 300 total. So that rocks and i should see something for my efforts on the scale tomorrow morning.

September 20, 2007

Fri, 21 Sep 2007 01:14:06 GMT

FUCKING LEFT OVERS!!!!!! Spaghetti AND tacos without the shell. I couldn't even hold out long enough to fill up a shell with taco stuff. I just ate the filling with a fork. How fucking pathetic is that?! I am so nausiated right now. That's what I get, damn. I deserve to be sick at my stomach. Fucking pig.I did good all day until now. There goes my 4 pound loss this week. I'm going running and I won't stop until I've burned up every last calorie!!!

September 18

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 21:50:18 GMT

So yesterday I only ate 865 calories. I say "only" because that's really good compaired to how I've been lately. Today, so far, I've had 300 calories. But dinner is the hardest part for me. I have to cook for my family and resisting the urge to sample is hard. Yesterday I made some hamburger helper, and I don't eat beef, so that was easy to avoid. Tonight spaghetti was requested. I love spaghetti. I'll only have a tiny bit and then go for a jog. Hopefully, after that jog, I'll be so tired from dragging my fat ass behind me for an hour , that I'll just want to go to bed. I seriously don't know how I move around with all this blubber. I wish it got in the way more than it does. Maybe then I wouldn't be such a fat ass! Maybe then I'd want to get rid of it faster. UUUGGHHH!!! What's the point? I just wanna drown myself in a bucket of icecream. God, why am I such a fucking loser?

September 17 2007

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 23:40:10 GMT

First entry.
I disgust myself. My eating is out of control. My self worth plunges lower everyday. My self esteem is virtually non existent. I don't even look in the mirror anymore. I just can't face it. My every thought is consumed by food. It's 8am, but what am I gonna have for dinner? What will I have for dinner tomorrow? What if I forget to thaw out the chicken, then what will I do? I want pizza for lunch, but I had a 600 calorie muffin for breakfast, but it's ok because it was breakfast and I can burn that off throughout the day. So I eat the pizza. Before I finish the pizza I see a brownie I have to have. ...How many calories in the brownie?... Maybe 200, maybe 500... I better get a diet soda, I don't wanna go overboard. Every thought is food. Food has taken over my life. I hate my life. I hate myself.

If I knew I was going to die in my sleep, I wouldn't care. If I was told I was going to die in a car accident tomorrow, I would get in the car and drive all day to make sure it happens. But to kill myself and leave my family with nothing is out of the question. Insurance doesn't pay for suicide. So alas, I am forced to face another day in this world I despise. Forced to watch myself, as if from afar, mechanically stuff bite after bite into my mouth of whatever is in my grasp. Forced to watch as my gut gets bigger and my thighs plop over the boundaries of the chair I sit in; Yet I continue to shovel it in. I cannot stop. Through the ordeal, I hear shouting in my head. Faceless voices that yell at ear piercing levels...

"Stop it ,STOP IT!!! What are you doing?! You fat fucking COW! Do you see everyone staring at you? Can you imagine what they must be thinking?! Oh my god, what are you doing? Stop eating, stop it!!"

But I can't make it stop. It's no longer under my control. I'm getting bigger and I can't make it stop. I don't know what to do. I can't make it stop. I feel so dirty from it all, but It's taken over my life. I'm so angry, I'm so hurt, I'm such an idiot! The voice again.."Just don't do it. Just stop eating. Just restrict like you used to. 300 calories a day, 500 calories a day. You once fasted for 16 days straight on nothing but coffee and water. Where is that girl? Where is that control, all the will power, all the strength? What happend to that girl?" .. I'd sure like to know.