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Current Mood

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frustrated

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I'm stuck. Just sitting at 198 and not moving. I guess it's better than going up, but I'm SO frustrated. I'm a cow, I'd like to be less cowish, but the scale won't budge. I am lowering my calories again starting tomorrow. I will not be pushed around by a machine, by numbers. Numbers will not run my life. I am lowering my calories and those numbers are going to change. Thos numbers will go down.

Down a pound and a half!!! I LOVE high protein! I didn't think I was gonna be able to stick to it cuz it makes me feel crappy, but I did it (except for 1 tiny misstep with 2 fried cheese sticks)!  And it totally paid off. I can't help thinking, though, if I hadnt had the cheese, would I be even thinner? I don't know, it shouldn't matter, but it does. Anyway, I am happy with my 1.5 lb loss. 

I'm at 198 today. Still way too fat. I've never been this high before. My highest ever is 211 and that was just this August. My highest ever before this was 189 and then I lost 30 pounds... and then gained WAY more than 30 in a year. 198 would have totally freaked me out if I had been weighing myself regularly this past year. But I didn't. When I stepped on the scale I was 208, I freaked and ate everything in site. Then I was 211 2 weeks later. I started unsuccessfully trying to restrict again. I couldn't do it until 2 weeks ago. Now I've lost 13 pounds.That is awesome weightloss. I just wish the numbers on the scale were lower. 

I feel like I have SUCH a long way to go. I don't know when I'm going to get there and that terrifies me. But I'm going to keep trying. As long as the numbers keep going down, I'm gonna be ok.

[	Current Location	|	home	]
[	Current Mood	|	frustrated	]

I really hate my job. The job itself isn't horrible. I sit in a car all day and type house violations on a laptop. Not horrible, but not fantastic either. EVERYDAY I am in the car with someone different. EVERYDAY that person wants fast food or something just as disgusting. EVERYDAY I have to come up with some excuse as to why I don't want lunch. People are beginning to get suspicious. I have told all of them I eat a huge breakfast and I'm just not hungry for lunch. They guilt trip me.."I don't wanna eat all alone..eat something with me".. or they ask a bajillion questions.."what did you have for breakfast? How does that keep you full all day long? Do you eat dinner? Are you taking diet pills?"... OMG  leave me alone! I don't want to eat. Shit , just let me be! 

Today I had to eat. We went into a restaurant and sat in a booth with menus and all. How am I supposed to NOT order? So I ordered a grilled chicken salad with the dressing on the side. I took out the chicken, the cucumbers, the onions, the crutons and basically ate 4 bites of lettuce and 3 cherry tomatoes and no dressing. I complained that the chicken was too greasy, the dressing was too sweet, the cucumbers were too onion-y and I don't eat crutons. Then I complained that the hot chicken slices made the lettuce limp and I couldn't eat limp lettuce. By the time I was done complaining, the other girl was like" omg, I can't take you anywhere! We're never going out to eat again!" ...THANK YOU!!!! ..I wanted to shout it from the roof, but I didn't even whisper it. I just said "whatever" and paid my bill. Ugh, it was so depressing. 

I was so mad at her. Any restaurant is a potential binge being waived in front of my face. All the smells, my favorite foods, the chips they put on the table.. UUUGGHHH! I feel so angry. How could she do that to me? How could she FORCE me into somewhere that could potentially ruin my whole day? How dare she remind me of how fat and gross I am? The nerve of her to actually think she can't take me out to eat! -I don't want her to, but how dare she emply I'm difficult! -I'm so mad at her!! It's kindof unfair to her, she has no idea I have any kind of ED, she didn't know, she didn't realize the anxiety that runs through my veins when it comes to food, the phobia I have of people watching me eat, the pure fear I felt the entire time... but I'm still so mad at her!

So I lost a pound and a half!! WOO HOO me!! If I can keep it up, I'll be amazed. lol. But also totally happy!!

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Current Mood

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ecstatic

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Well I am so proud of myself!! I have had so little to eat today and I feel so powerful. 
coffee with creamer - 70
3 egg whites - 45
2 reduced cal toast- 80 cal (40 each)
2 tsp jelly- 50
1 piece of gum- 5
coke zero and water!!
total so far of 250!! WOW that's awesome for me. 
I might eat dinner, but it'll be no more than 300 total. So that rocks and i should see something for my efforts on the scale tomorrow morning.